1. I wish I was not born in Hong Kong

 

Traumatized by beggars’ deformed bodies

At such a young age

You get used to it

There is no fear, only guilt

 

有夜三號風球，微微冷雨

故意撐傘從銅鑼灣徒步走到天后

 

Opposite from the Wan Chai footbridge

Where the deformed bodies would rest

 

有意無意經過了維多利亞濕滑的人工綠地

薄薄的水面上街燈呈放射狀抖動

真的記不起有甚麼事引起過騷動

 

Party time! Tap-dancing in an empty field

Kicking off my shoes, it’s a disco dance floor

I'm not coming out anytime soon

I watch gay media

I say gay things

I make gay jokes

I wear gay clothes

I adorn myself with gay jewels

I listen to gay music

I make gay references

I like gay people

I love gay people

But I am not gay, I’m not coming out

Don’t ask, don’t tell

 

天上一絲絲白煙呈拋物線狀墮落

夢幻

 

 

2. Retiring in Arizona, Not Hong Kong

 

It still haunts my dreams

To think that I have lived a life

In the past three years

More surreal than seeing the Burma-Shaves signs

Driving along the Arizona highways:

 

“Angels who guard you

When you’re driving

Usually retire

At sixty-five”

 

But just like those signs

It’s not that serious

It’s all just an ad for American shaving cream

 

Maybe I could retire in Arizona

不過

美國冇一啖phở好食

美國冇一啖ramen好食

 

My grandmother, she strangely loves me

And my long ‘foreign’ locks of hair,

My huge ‘foreign’ Cher tote,

My tight ‘foreign’ Dolly tee

「若我在街上看見你，肯定不會把你當成中國人」

She told me, laughing

 

雖然

我喺美國都淨係食咗phở

我喺美國都淨係食咗ramen

 

 

3. I Love Sex Right Now

 

Outside the hotel in the City of Angels

Standing, I’m tired, holding my luggage

Listening to how a white man feels sorry for me

After hearing I come from Hong Kong

 

Back in bed in the City of Sin

Poppies in my eyes, no chastity cage

Texting white men who want to abuse me

As if their ‘flirting’ is a love song

 

But hey, I dig that

Sex is all I care about

At least right now

 

與陌生人交歡

一律不談政治的陌生人

看樣子就看透的陌生人

默認育有兒女的陌生人

把我當成女人的陌生人

最愛陌生人

 

I once wrote about being a wife of a war criminal

Living a nonchalant yet exciting life

Life is nothing but sex and sorrow

 

(HOLD FOR APPLAUSE)

 

​

4. Losing You by Solange

 

I stole a rock spray painted fluorescent pink

I think it was from the Grand Canyon

It was a really really wet and cold day

Dressed in what I thought was desert apparel

A thrifted tee with camo shorts

 

真的不了解沙漠

 

4am, listening to Solange, waiting for my bus ride home

Random woman shows up

In front of me, doing aerobics

On beat with Losing You

Playing in my headphones, electric

 

原始地張了嘴 雖未知眼前是誰

夢幻

 

It was all worth the run from the court

 

It blows my mind,

How Losing You sounds like 墮落 by 王菲

 

“Tell me the truth boy, am I losing you for good?

We used to kiss all night, but now there’s just no use

I don’t know why I fight it, clearly we are through

Tell me the truth boy, am I losing you for good”

 

「左右不了誘惑 你才拒絕寂寞

你沒有錯 因為沒有誰做對過

心安理得 於是你墮落

來啊 來啊 我陪你

來啊 來啊 來啊 繼續 繼續」

 

Suddenly I remember

‘My Life Is Only Killing Time Between Masterbations’

The title of a 1995 album by Punku Boi

 

 

5. S().M(asochist).

 

Yes I’m a masochist, big time

But I still want to be treasured, not just desired

Yet you are never possessive, never jealous

 

Played with balloons, confetti, barricades, politics

They all share me, use me, bruise me

Still, that doesn’t make you sick

Woohoo! That’s epic

(Look at me, quick!)

 

Getting married in the midst of a protest

All dress up, ugly white ball gown

肉酸

Paired with a gas mask, even

Like when I would get down

On my knees, performative

What vulgarity, what hilarity

肉酸

Not everyone deserves to be a celebrity

 

 

6. Glass-Skin

 

(I’m writing this to continue something I wrote before:

 

「我唔知玻璃係點造出嚟，細細個淨係上網玩game，

知道係沙加熱變成玻璃，但完全唔明點解

 

但我好清楚親手打爆一塊玻璃嘅感覺、嗰個令人興奮嘅聲音」)

 

The final girl in the horror movie, glass shard in hand

To hurt, to kill, to defend

Trembling in fear, yet forcefully taming her hair, frizzled

Drenched in cold sweat, glistening skin

Faint misty breaths of warm air

The tall killer’s eyes glare

 

Just like sand, her skin heats up profusely

Slowly, the time of having opague skin is gone

她玻璃皮下的微絲血管表露無遺，暗紫紅色的幼細

Tempting, alluring, obscenely vulnerable

The tall killer approaches, trembling in awe

映入眼簾是清脆的敲擊、瀟灑的碎落、女人的末落

 

We are oh so hard to the touch, so hard yet so smooth

Touch us and 臣服於我輩美態之下

A certain wicked kind of charm

A beauty which calls for absolute destruction

Almost as if we’re flaunting how weak we are

（富江）

 

 

7. Everything is Forced

 

貨櫃碼頭高速公路下

Gave a speedy man pleasure

While he gave me support

In a hassle, I could not hold his hand

Not properly

He told me,

“Squeeze my hand if it hurts,

But you can’t back up.”

My mouth was still stuffed

“You hear me?”

My back was tensed up, almost sore

“Mhm.”

奇怪地，我見到一個白色的圈，圈住了龍根

 

嗰吓淨係覺得真係叫到好攰

You try and stuff your cheeks and moan

Try it

 

But it did not stop

I enjoy forces pleasure, maybe

I gavepermission

I let you invite me in your car

I let you dim the lights in your car

I let you leave me a scar

 

Running, running, running

To the nearest forest, I smell lemongrass

 

天上的皇后、青色的上衣

一切皆是夾硬的措辭